I snuck into Blizzard Headquarters and surreptitiously copied this internal document. Don’t tell anyone I have this.
Patch Notes for Patch 5.2
- All Classes buffed except for Mages, because fuck mages.
- Mages: nerfed. To the ground, baby!
- Warlocks: given green fire so maybe they’ll STFU about it already.
- Players can once again champion factions in dungeons, but only in one dungeon per day, so that it will take them approximately 2 years to gain any meaningful amount of rep.
- Players can now earn reputation in a new way: fulfilling work orders at their farm. Don’t worry, though, we’ve implemented this in such a stupidly painful way that no one will bother.
- Players can grind reputation with the new factions by doing dailies against new tougher and harder-hitting monsters to earn items that range from completely pointless to nearly not-crappy.
New Pets and Mounts:
- We have added dozens of new pets and mounts, and then gated them behind so much RNG, player competition, and lengthy grinds that no one will ever see any of them. Ever.
- You can now purchase the Sunsong Ranch from Farmer Yoon despite the fact that he explicitly stated that selling the ranch would be a betrayal of his family. Have fun crushing his lifelong dreams, kids.
- Running over occupied soil now causes the varmint to emerge at 30% health and dazed, but will not actually plow the soil. You must then plow a second time, wasting any time you may have saved. Additionally, there is a 15% chance that the plot will become bugged, and you must relog to fix it.
- Many players found our Pokemon rip-off to be too long, boring, repetitive and tedious. We don’t know how to fix that, so we’ve increased the rewards to a point that we feel will entice players to do them anyway.
- Despite being some of the easiest content ever released, some players are still too retarded to finish these encounters. We have added a stacking buff, called Short Bus, which will increase the raid’s damage, healing, and health points after each wipe until they become so OP that they cannot possibly fail again.
- Loot: now sometimes drops from bosses.
- Failbags: now have a chance to contain vendor trash in addition to 28g50s. Additionally, when the moon is in the seventh house and Jupiter aligns with Mars, the bag may contain something other than vendor trash, like pets or mounts, but probably just a flask or gem that isn’t even useful to your class.