An Open Letter to Tanks

There are some tanks that are polite, competent, and willing to work with a group. There are some who, though not yet the greatest tanks ever, are eager and willing to learn and improve. To those select few, I say thank you, it was a pleasure to have your back, knowing that you had mine. To everyone else, I write this letter.

Dear Mr. Squishums,

I appreciate how incredibly awesome you are in your uber-leet gear with your mind-boggling 150k hit points. That’s like, so big I can scarcely imagine. I have never seen anyone with such a massive health pool. I also appreciate that you have taken time to get rid of all that useless avoidance and mitigation to achieve your amazing e-peen meter health pool. I have definitely never seen anyone who managed to top 200k health without sacrificing damage reduction stats to get there. I salute you and your epic hit points.

I would also like you to know that I am totally impressed that you haven’t had to use crowd control since you first dinged 85 and started running heroics in all greens. I myself had to be almost fully decked out in blues before I could even queue for heroics. That you managed to successfully tank heroics while sitting a good dozen points below the minimum average ilevel requirement to even join a queue  is a testament to the sheer awesomeness of your tanking. I stand in awe of your ability to keep all 5 mobs more or less looking in your general direction while all of the DPS attack single-target because AoE seriously sucks now. A lesser tank might succumb to the temptation of only tanking those few mobs that the group is currently killing while leaving the rest sitting harmlessly to the side until the first few are dealt with. Not you, you even had the mental fortitude to break the sheep on that mob 20 yards away because the mage went all pussy on you. On the off-chance that there aren’t bards writing songs about your epic deeds at this very moment I shall write a ditty in your honor as soon as the run is over.

I am certain that the fact that you are taking in excess of 25% of your health in damage on every swing is completely my fault as a healer, and that if I weren’t tainting your aura of invincibility with how lame I am, you would be taking way less damage. If only my gear were better or I had paid more attention in healer school, maybe I could just idly read a book while you laughed in the face of all those mobs who futilely tried to harm you instead of madly spamming my fastest heals and blowing 1-2 healing cooldowns to keep you alive with a scant sliver of health at the end of every trash pull.

I am terribly sorry that, unlike the healers you usually run with, my heals require mana. I should very much like to visit this mysterious land of mana-free healing that you hail from. Saving myself the expense and hassle of guzzling an entire stack of water on a single dungeon with you would be most appreciated. Please, help me contact them. If I learn their secrets I can spend less time trying desperately to catch up with you and pull you back from the brink of death because you went ahead and pulled when I had no mana and more time just following you around and generally basking in the utter coolness that is you.

I think, perhaps, I am most impressed at your ability to never ever use a single cooldown for anything, ever. I have, on many occasions, fallen prey to the temptation of using cooldowns. I have been weak, seduced by the siren’s song of saving lives into using my longer-cooldown abilities to improve my performance at certain opportune times. I salute your steadfast dedication to taking each and every punch to the face without the slightest hesitation and with no sign of any urge to use one of your numerous damage reduction cooldowns.

Finally, I must applaud you for having the courage to embrace the fact that standing in the bad is awesome. So few people have taken the time to realize that the large, obvious, ground effect bubbling away beneath you feels like a mother’s love if you just have the balls to stand in it long enough. But not you, you know the truth: if you block out the pain of losing 15% of your health every second you reach nirvana in about 6 seconds. Your commitment to taking every last possible point of damage – avoidable or not – is to be commended. Besides, if you got out of the bad, the DPS standing in it with you might be led astray as well. Way to take one for the team, champ!

Yours Sincerely,

OOM Again

This post inspired by the musings on Cardboard Tanks over at Askevar’s Blog. I feel your pain, my friend.

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